Emmerson's Heart Page 4

  Now I was stuck. I was stuck in this crossroads where I had no idea which way to go. I had to put that ring on Becky’s finger and make things right. I owed it to her. Over the past few years, Becky had put up with a lot, constantly being put on the backburner because of Emmer, getting a nasty attitude from Emmer, and putting up with Emmer constantly being around and taking away our time together. But this time…..This time, I had to make it right with Becky no matter what. I didn’t have any other choice.

  And if I was going to make everything right with Becky, I had to do the one thing that I vowed never to do in this lifetime. I had to push the one person away that I gave a life to. I had to push Emmer away and show her that I needed to get on with my life. My life.

  Parking up by my small place in the shadows of the big house, I felt my stomach pushing its way up. Getting married was a huge step and one I envisioned with Emmer, but because I was stupid, that vision was destroyed. Now, I had to do this. I had to propose to Becky and marry her. That was the only way I would be able to handle this, that I would be able to have anything.

  Grabbing the bag off the seat, I clenched it tightly in my fist. I hated the ring. When I closed my eyes, all I could see was how ugly the damn thing looked on the freshly polished nailed hand of Beck, the woman I just had to marry. Each time I thought about it, tried to see what it would look like placed on that soft, gentle hand, I just wanted to throw up. It sickened me to see what I had come down to, what I had become. It was what I had to do. Not what I wanted to do.

  The hand that would make that ring shine and look just perfect would be the hand of a rancher, the one who didn’t care if there was dirt or mud on it, dug into the dark gray fur of her best friend, and the one who didn’t have her nails done at the salon or painted. Hell, if it was on that hand, it wouldn’t be on there for the most part of the day anyway. Emmer wasn’t a ring kind of girl. In fact, she just wasn’t a jewelry kind of girl either. If she even dressed up in clothes that weren’t reeking of horse, barn, or hard work, I was amazed. And if she was actually wearing nice clothes, my dad was sitting on her, confining her to the house. Once, I think he actually had Rob and Will hold her down, but that was because we were getting ready to go to Billings to have our family photos done and a loose Emmer was one that came back dusty and dirty and surrounded by the sweet aroma of horse and hay.

  That could and would never be and I needed to just get that out of my mind. I made my bed and now I had to lay in it. Be a man. Do what I had to do. Sometimes that wasn’t what I wanted to do, but I had to save face, right? Wasn’t it all about the man everyone respected?

  Shoving out of my truck, I walked into the vast amount of nothing that lay behind the heavy wooden door of my small place. That spot right in the middle of the living room wall now housed the fifty inch flat screen instead of that photo I always pictured being there. A few empty bottles of beer were scattered around the solid oak coffee table not even begging to be thrown away. Why? This was my place. I didn’t have to impress anyone and, sure as hell, no one was going to be living there with me, as I once planned. Trash littered the kitchen counter and there was some kind of stink drifting through the air. I didn’t care. Once Christmas came along, my life wasn’t going to ever be what I dreamed it would.

  Kicking off my boots, I just let them lay on the bunched rug at the door. Stepping over the piles of clothes I tossed there after yesterday’s fiasco with muck from the stalls, I stripped right there and left the clothes. Why? Who did I have to pick up for now? Not a damn person. Besides, on the weekends, I hid over at Becky’s cute little house in town, right down the road from the school and on the opposite end of town where I once saved Emmer. Still, I had to drive past that old house where she used to live to remind me of what she had been through.

  That was the past and I had to just get over it. So, she was dealt a bad hand at life, but I had been the one to stop it all because of a feeling. It was always a feeling when it came to Emmer. Always. Even before I knew her. When Will told me that some girl in school was stealing his lunches, it hit me then. When she first came to the ranch, that sickening pit in my stomach opened and I knew. The night I found her on the verge of death, it was like I felt every single moment that damn girl went through prior to being thrown out in the freezing cold. And now, I was just disgusted over what I did.

  I ruined everything.

  I lost her. I had to lose the one woman I wanted everything with. I should have known better, but what was done was done. There was no changing things. If I could, I sure in the hell would. I would for Emmer. She didn’t deserve any of this.

  Shoving the door open to my bedroom, I felt the pain swelling into my throat. Maybe if I just came clean to her, let her know what happened, she would forgive me and this misery could be over with. But, I couldn’t. I couldn’t hurt her like that. Emmer was the one woman I would never want to hurt, to cause any pain to, and telling her the truth, would devastate her and lose everything. It was just best kept secret for her sake.

  Balling up the bag, I tugged the nightstand drawer open, knocking over an empty whisky bottle onto the pile of dirty and clean clothes. So, Thursday night didn’t quite work out as planned. I knew Emmer would be home Friday night and I needed something to ease the pain I caused to myself. Shoving the bag in there, I cursed knowing that ring would never make it to the finger of the one woman it should be on. And that ring meant my life would never be what I wanted it to be.

  The floorboards creaked, making my heart beat again in my chest as it always did when Emmer was around. That damn woman stopped my heart from the time she went back to school until she would be home on the weekends. At least I still had that for the time being. But that had to end soon. Soon, I would put my damn heart to rest along with my hopes and dreams and start my life with the one who I owed it to.

  “Can I talk to you?” Her voice was so soft and so sweet, making me want to run away; just pack up and leave. I couldn’t have this and I couldn’t handle this. Not now. I was weak and I was really at my wits’ end. She had been gone for so long and I hated it. I hated not having her there at the ranch every day. Emmer was my whole life. Since the day she came to live with us, she was always at my side. Always. Now, I had to manage through the days without her. Soon, I would have to figure out how to live my life with another woman.

  Now wasn’t the time. I had to leave. I had to get my mind on Becky and go be with her tonight instead of staying with the temptation that was standing in the doorway to my bedroom. Digging through the pile on the floor, I pulled out some jeans that looked somewhat clean. I hoped they were clean. As if it mattered anyway. Peeling off my shirt, I dropped it onto the pile of clothing in the corner where I always envisioned her nightstand would be when she moved in with me. Yet another vision taken away by my stupidity.

  Tossing them on my bed, I sucked in a deep breath, taking in the sweet linger of her. Hell, she had been with Ben since she had gotten home from school and it was mixing with the perfume that I had bought her for her birthday in April. Going out with Becky was the thing to do; not what I had wanted tonight, but something that I had to do to get away from Emmy. Every time she came home, it was harder and harder to look at her, to be around her knowing just how bad I screwed up. “I don’t have time.”

  “Please, Paul.” Walking in, she ignored the fact that I didn’t have my shirt on and was showing off the tattoo that I had gotten down my side—the cross with the hands praying. It was the one that I had hauled her out of her class to go and get one day out of anger. To Becky, she thought it was because of our whole church thing that Mom had been into, but it wasn’t. To me, those were my hands praying that I would have the strength to get my damn mind back in line. Look at Emmy as my sister and not as I had been. It was deep, deep inside of me since that damn girl had turned eighteen and I had to remind myself she was supposed to be like a sister to me. Not since that day, not since that year before her high school graduation, had I looked at her like a sister. />
  “What is it, Emmer?” Rolling my eyes over to her, I snatched the dark blue long sleeved tee shirt off the bed and gripped it tightly. This wasn’t the first time that she had been in my place, in my bedroom hanging out, but it had to be the last. “Spill it or get the hell out. I have a date.”

  “I know. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” Her soft aqua eyes had filled with something strong. Sure, she was home on the weekends, but it was the five days in between that I hated. When she was younger, she always used to be two steps behind me, working right alongside of me. We used to laugh and tease each other as all three of us had. Now, that had changed that day in May. That all had changed when I showed up at her graduation with her crazed horse to watch her cross into adulthood, the very moment I waited for a year to see. “I was hoping that we might be able to go out and watch a movie. We haven’t hung out in a long time and I really miss it.”

  “That just sucks now, don’t it? Get some damn friends, Emmerson. Stop being a stuck up bitch at school and let someone in for a change.” God how I wanted to. I wanted to hang out with her like we used to, but it was so hard. It was too hard and I had to put the distance between us. Not that I wanted that distance, but I was forced into doing so. If it was my choice, I would toss everything aside just to have the time with her, the moment where I could just hold her and kiss her and not even care who saw. But, once again, I screwed that to hell.

  “It’s not that easy, Paul.” Biting her lip, she stretched out on her back, showing me the mounds that had developed on her chest a couple years ago. They were so perfect. Over the whole summer, that was what I had watched when she was riding Ben and wearing her tank tops. Those damn breasts of hers. For a nineteen year old, they were perfect. More perfect than Becky’s whose were barely noticeable, not enough to satisfy me at all. All I could think of were Emmerson’s and it wasn’t right. It had to stop.

  “So what? You have to go to school. Dad is paying a lot for you to go and you better start thinking more of what he is giving you instead of slapping that man in the face with it every time that you come home.” A little harsh, but I had to be. I had to make sure that she kept her nice, firm ass at school in the city. I had to keep that tight body of hers away as much as possible before I completely lost control. And this had to end with her in my bedroom, laying on my bed like she was. I was a man and a man had needs. Needs that I hadn’t fulfilled for that whole year waiting for her to graduate. And that was shot to hell, too. I was an idiot for thinking anything would have worked with her, anyway. I should have known the time apart would break us apart as it had.

  “I told him that I didn’t want to go, Paul. I did. We battled over it in his office for three hours.”

  “And you’re pissed because it was one fight you couldn’t win with him.” It was better in the end that my dad made Emmer follow through with the year of schooling in Billings. Her education was just as important as ours was—well Marc, Rob’s, and Will’s. That was one fight there was no winning with that man. Not at all and not even for as much as he didn’t want to send her. It killed him having to send her so far away and away from the place she considered to be home and away from the people she knew as an actual family that loved her. Besides, it was just a year and she was home on the weekends and every chance she had gotten. It wasn’t like the ranch was completely taken away from her.

  But she was taken away from me. All because I had thoughts about her that I shouldn’t have. And those thoughts had gotten me into nothing but trouble. And it wasn’t like I could just tell her what went on either. I couldn’t and I would have to take that to my grave. There was no way I could ever hurt her like that. Not Emmer.

  “No, I just hate it so much.” Folding her arms behind her head, my eyes shot straight to those mounds that were sticking out, wondering what they looked like under that sweater. Hell, she had scars that her dad had left on her, but they had just brought her beauty out even more. The scars had made her more self-conscience than anything, though. Around us, she was fine and let them show, but when there was anyone else around, she made damn sure that they were covered. It was the whole reasoning behind me attacking Greg after that one date that she had managed to sneak out on while the parents were on their cruise. I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt her because of them, but with him, I don’t think that it would have mattered.

  “What’s there to hate? You can go and screw around, Emmy. Take the damn chance at living for once. This place is going to be the death of you someday.” Those thoughts of her with another man had pissed me off even more. She had to have hooked up with someone at school and that was why she hated it. If there was a man that had made fun of her because of those scars and my dad found out, they wouldn’t stand a chance. The overprotectiveness that man had for her was outrageous and I hated it. Not because I was actually his kid, but the fact that he didn’t allow her to have a life.

  “I just hate being so far away. I hate not hanging out with you anymore.”

  “Just grow the hell up. Life is more than that worthless horse and this stupid place. Take your chance and get the hell away from here. This place is nothing.” I just wanted to slap myself for saying those words to her. I didn’t mean them at all. Not one word. Truth was, I would rather her be home on that ranch with her crazed horse than to be so far away to school. And she would be, but my daddy sent her away following through with his rules on us kids having a good education. It was all because he wanted us to see what else was out there and gave us the choice if we wanted this ranch or that life beyond.

  Sitting up, she scooted off the bed and stood with the tears packing into her eyes. “This place is something, Paul. This place is my home; the only home that has been a home to me. And this place is where my best friend used to be.”

  When she had walked toward the door, my chest tightened to the point where my lungs weren’t being allowed any oxygen. Stepping in front of her, I tossed my shirt back onto my bed and swallowed hard. Those lips were right there, pressing tight together. Emmy wasn’t a crier, but when she did, I knew that something was deep inside of her that she had only let out to me or to Ben. “I will always be here, Emmer. Always. If you have a problem, no matter what it is, you can always come to me.”

  “I just miss you, that’s all. I miss my best friend, Paul.” As she turned away, the tears had finally won the battle and escaped out those beautiful eyes. “I have been having those nightmares again and I can’t escape to the barn. I can’t run to Ben or you, and it hurts. It hurts so much.”

  “Emmer, he will never hurt you anymore. He’s not even around. Don’t ever be afraid to pick up the phone and call me when you have them.” Cupping her cheek, I turned her look back to me. I had seen the damage that her father did to her inside and out. After all, she wouldn’t be alive if I hadn’t found her that night and I had to be the one that helped Mom clean her wounds afterward.

  “It’s like I am losing something.”

  “What are you losing?”

  “You.” The word barely came from her mouth, but I knew that was what she had said. On the weekends, I had escaped to Becky’s to keep the distance there, between Emmy and me. I had to. Each weekend that she was home, I looked at her more and more like the woman that she was instead of the girl that had come to live with us when she was fifteen. “I have to go. Ben’s waiting out…”

  Stepping closer, I eyed her mouth, her lips. God, how beautiful they were and how sweet they must have been. Still, it pained me to think of another guy’s lips tasting them, kissing them. Would he savor them? Know how wonderful they were? Would he see what a beautiful woman she was inside, too?

  “Have fun on your date. I am sure that I will see you tomorrow.” Just as her eyes shifted to the door, my heart stopped hard. Damn, I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to devour her mouth.

  I needed to step to the side and let her walk out. She wouldn’t see me tomorrow. I would make sure of that. I had to make sure that I stayed away from now on.
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br />   Instead of doing what I should have done, without a thought in my mind, I brushed my lips against those soft raspberries and savored the flavor. Flames burst through my body, alerting every sense I had. Her linger had increased around me, making my heart start beating so fast that I could have sworn that she felt it pounding out of my chest. My stomach was so filled with desire, I was afraid to move. The stained jeans had so much pressure behind the zipper that I was surprised that it hadn’t busted.

  Slipping my hand behind her head, I pulled her in closer as I deepened the kiss, tasted more of the pumpkin pie that she had prior to coming down to my place. Her hand came up to rest against my chest, sending shocks through my body. Damn! This was better than anything I ever had before. The craving of more, the intense starvation that I had never felt before, hit so hard that I stepped back.

  Her eyes were wide with surprise as the tears had just broken loose from all dams that she had put up. What in the hell did I just do? That tight body was just standing there unsure of what just happened. Tears drawing paths down those soft cheeks, her widened eyes just staring at me.

  “You better go now.”

  Nodding, she brushed past me in a flash without even looking back. She didn’t just walk out, she ran out, ran away from me. All those times I wanted to kiss her so bad and never did, maybe that was for the best. Maybe she didn’t feel what I felt for her. Then again, I screwed it all up. I made such a mess out of my life, I could see why she ran off. I would, too, if I could.

  But having her run away like she had, I didn’t know what hurt more. Was it the fact I had just managed to lose some control by kissing her or the way that she had looked at me with those eyes of hers?