Emmerson's Heart Read online

  His dark eyes were twinkling with that same freedom from pain we both held so deep in our hearts about our pasts. In a couple other photos of us, I saw that darkness, that desperation in his eyes as well as my own. When you went through abuse like I had for all those years, it always stays with you. It does. Still to this day, I have nightmares where I come face to face with the man who left me outside to freeze to death after he beat me over and over, for a week, after he took a damn box cutter and sliced my skin, after he shoved the food I stole from Will in my face to make a point. Yes, my dad was a monster. A monster who always popped up in my dreams just to remind me of what was. When you go through something like that, it stays in your eyes, deep in there where people who went through something like that could only see. And I saw it so many times in Jackson’s photos. I saw it because I knew. I knew him and he knew me. But this photo of us, this one here, it was when we were set free. Maybe we healed each other and that was why there wasn’t anything but freedom in our eyes.

  If he only knew. If he only knew what this was doing to me. What I wouldn’t give just….just to have one more day with him. What I wouldn’t give to tell him how much…..just how much I loved him. If I had one more day with Jackson Huck, I would tell him….I would tell him exactly how much I loved him and needed him. I needed him to help me get through this pain which Paul brought onto me. I needed him to help me through this.

  He would still be here if it wasn’t for me. He would still be at the ranch if I just…..if I just went home when I was supposed to. If I only knew something like that was going to happen, I never…..I never would have waited. I would have taken in the world of agony Paul would have inflicted on me by proposing to Becky on Christmas. I could have gotten over that. But no. I stayed and made every damn excuse in the book not to go back there. I made every damn lie up I could so I didn’t have to witness Paul giving Becky what I so desperately wanted. It was all because of me. I was the reason he died. I was the reason why I didn’t have Jackson there anymore. It was all me.

  The worst part about losing Jackson was I didn’t even have Paul there to help me through it. Maybe Paul blamed me for what happened. Maybe he saw it all as my fault and he hated me even more. If I just knew what I did so wrong last summer to turn Paul against me, I would fix it. But why did he hate me so much? All I did was love him, maybe too much, but I did. I loved him with all my heart. And he threw me away.

  He threw me away as if I didn’t matter.

  His words…..That he didn’t care if I lived or died….He regretted ever finding me that night he saved me…..All those mean and hateful things he said to me since the night of my graduation party…..It hurt so bad. It was more than what my dad ever made me feel. It was worse knowing I would never get the chance to see Jackson again. The pain Paul caused me…..I would never forgive and I would never forget.

  “Emmy, are you okay?” Clearing his throat, Marc moved up behind me and rested his hands on my shoulders.

  “I don’t know how to just get over it.” My eyes shifted over to Paul, seeing that smile, but there was something different in his eyes. It was almost like he was pissed that I wasn’t there next to him. Like he had actually been upset over it, but he faked it anyway. That was when we were best friends yet. That was when we spent every minute we could together, working, doing chores, or just hanging out. That was when my life was at peace and I had complete freedom for a change. I would never go a day without missing Jackson, but this pain with Paul, I didn’t know how I was going to get over it.

  “He will always be looking over you, Emmy. Always.” Wrapping his arms around me, he tucked his chin on my shoulder and smiled. “He loved you so much. You were his whole world. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him happier.”

  The hot tears trickled down my cheeks as I swallowed hard. How horrible was I? Here, Marc was being so wonderful to me, so caring, and I was actually wishing that he was talking about Paul in a way. I knew that Jackson loved me so much that he had nearly ripped my arm off trying to protect me and I would always miss him, hurt for him, beg for him, and love him. But, Paul. He was still there. He was still at the ranch and it just felt like nothing would ever fill this emptiness inside of me. At least with Paul, when he held me in the barn after the memorial, there was that spark that I had knowing that I would be able to survive losing Jackson.

  “Would you be able to take me for a walk? I think that I want to get out a little.” Putting the photo back, I eased back into his embrace while still feeling the sense of love coming from him. Sleeping with him every night had helped, but still, I was so empty that it had just gotten worse every time. No matter how much I told myself that it was Marc in the bed holding me, my mind only wished that it was Paul.

  “Sure. Let me just finish my email and we will go.” Pressing his lips to the back of my head, he gave me a little squeeze before his warmth had slipped away.

  Following him to the kitchen table where stacks of papers were in neat piles, I felt the lump filling in my throat. It was the same way that Jackson had kept his desk neat and organized. The same fashion. Of course, I would sneak in there and shift things around just to start something because of boredom, but it was that arguing that I was looking for with him. That playfulness side to Jackson that the others hadn’t really seen too much of. “I’m not keeping you from anyone, am I, Marc?”

  His eyes shot up to me fast and wide. “No. Why would you think that, Em? Who would you be keeping me from?”

  “Um…” Raking my bottom lip through my teeth, I felt the heaviness sinking in. Paul had broken it off with Becky because of me, because of his hatred for me. And Marc had told me that Becky really had enough of the downfall that Paul had taken. I didn’t want to know if they had rekindled their relationship, but Marc would have told me. Well, maybe. Now, I’m not too sure if he would have. “I don’t want to keep you from someone else, a girl.”

  “Emmy, you’re my girl.” Turning in the chair, his hand slipped onto my waist to pull me toward him. As I sat on his knee, he smiled deep within his eyes as he brushed his hand on my cheek. “There is no one else in my life that I would or could ever want.”

  My heart jumped a little as I looked into those brown eyes, those eyes that had matched Paul’s so much.

  “Emmy, you are so amazing and so beautiful. I don’t see anyone coming close to you. I hate to admit it and scare you off, but I just…Since Thanksgiving, I just…” His eyes shot down to my lips, bringing the heat to pool deep in my belly. “I like sleeping with you on my chest, holding you tight to me.”

  “You do? Even when I drool?”

  “It’s perfect when you drool.” Leaning a little closer, his eyes met mine again, causing my heart to actually jump a little. “I like you here with me, Emmy.”

  “I like being here with you. I don’t feel so ugly and so horrible.”

  “You are not ugly, Baby. Not even close.” His lips brushed mine and I actually liked it. I liked the feeling that he had given me. It had made me feel alive for the first time since the accident, since losing Jackson. But when I had opened my eyes, the guilt washed through me. Marc had just kissed me and it was nothing like what Paul’s kiss had been. It wasn’t as electrifying, as deep, as heated. “Let’s go for that walk, Baby. I have had you cooped up in the house way too long.”

  “I would like that.” Just as I was getting off his knee, he pulled me tight to him as his mouth had crashed down on mine. His hand cupped the back of my head, drawing me in even more and I felt the days-worth of growth that he hadn’t shaved off today. Raking my fingers through his hair, I felt the shortness of it which only reminded me that this wasn’t Paul. This was not Paul at all. My heart was thumping hard. I liked Marc, too. He had been nothing but so great to me. When I had woken up in the hospital to see him there, the tears running down his face and my hand in his, I was surprised, also confused, but I was glad that he had been there. With all the talks and the time that we had spent together, he looked just like Paul, b
ut was nothing like him.

  “Emmy, I have to get you the hell out of the house.” A heated smile filled his face as he rubbed my backside, urging me to get up. “I have wanted to do that for so long now.”

  My chest tightened as I felt the pain hitting my heart at the same time as I wanted it. I wanted Marc to love me. If I couldn’t have Paul, I had Marc, my other best friend, the one that was there when the pain of Paul hit. Maybe it was just because I hadn’t ever seen Marc as one of the brothers with him not being there. He was still around, but still, we never had that connection like the other three had with me.

  “Come on, Baby. We can go and when you get tired, just tell me. And then I am going to carry you back here and we are just going to put away the work and hang out.”

  “I would really like that.” Making my way to the staircase, I felt his hand cupping my elbow. Still, he had carried me up and down the steps and I appreciated it. The steps were the worst for me yet and I wasn’t sure that I would be able to make it up them yet or go down without falling.

  His arm scooped around the back of my legs as he lifted me up to his chest. His eyes sparkled as they had fallen into mine. “Emmy, you know that I would do anything for you, don’t you?”

  “I do now.”

  “Good.” Rocking me toward his chest, he kissed me again before taking me down the steps. When we had gotten to the bottom, he put me down and slipped my sneakers on. As usual, he had helped me get ready first. Another thing that I was starting to notice about him. I was always first. Me. “You know, your hair is really growing out.”

  “I like it better.”

  “I really liked the cut that you had gotten when you left the hospital.” Looking up at me, the upward curve of his lips brightened his whole face. Maybe it was really Marc that I was supposed to be with. Besides Paul, he was the only one that had made me feel anything inside. “I think that you are beautiful both ways.”

  “Maybe I will cut it again.” Resting my hand on his shoulder, I lifted my left foot and felt the pain shoot through my right hip. Hissing, I started to fall forward only to have his hands wrap around my waist to catch me. His foot had rocked back, sending him off balance and backward, taking me with him. Falling on top of him, I had actually laughed. For once since Thanksgiving, I had let myself actually laugh. His hands spread over my back, holding me to him with his eyes on my lips again. Licking them, I felt the moan vibrate through his chest before he kissed me again. This time, I fell into it, let myself enjoy it. Yes, Marc was the one that I was supposed to be with.

  After getting up, he helped me with my jacket and tucked the black stocking cap on my head. Watching him get ready, my heart jumped a little more while seeing the movements of his muscles. He did have a lot of muscle, but they were different than the other brothers. And he should have muscle. I had watched him work out on his machines all the time. A few times, he had me use them to help with some strengthening, but now, I just wondered if it was all a ploy to touch me. I didn’t care too much. I liked when he had touched me.

  “I like it both ways, Emmy.” Standing up, he tugged his black stocking cap on and smiled. Holding the pockets of my jacket, he pulled me close to him and drew his bottom lip through his teeth. “You are beautiful, sexy, and so damn cute.”

  “Cute? Like a kitten?”

  “Cuter.”

  “Then kiss me.” Slipping my arms behind his neck, I pulled him down to me and slammed my mouth down on his. Taking over control, he pulled the breath from my lungs before he had pulled away.

  “I have to get you out of here before I lose my mind, Emmy.” Pressing his forehead to mine, he let out a breath while digging his eyes deeper into my heart. If he could help me get over the pain that Paul had caused, I would love him forever for it.

  Taking my hand, he walked me out of the house and locked the door behind him. Walking slowly, we followed the walkway down to the path that led closer to the lake. We had walked that path quite a bit, but never hand in hand like this. His hands were always shoved into his pockets and occasionally, his arm would brush against mine, but there hadn’t ever been anything more to it. Stopping at a bench, he took a seat and pulled me to his lap. Wrapping me in his arms, he found my hands and tangled his fingers into mine.

  “Mom, Will, and Rob are going to be here this weekend.” His chin nuzzled in between my jacket and neck as his lips brushed tenderly against my skin, heating me more than I had known something like that to. “I won’t have to work so I will be around, but I think that you need to spend some time with Will and Rob.”

  “I would like to. I haven’t seen them since we left.”

  “They really do miss you. Mom said that the ranch isn’t the same.” His little nips and love pecks stopped as he turned me a little to look at him. “Baby, would you like to move back there?”

  Move back to the ranch? No. Absolutely not. There would be a day that I would have to go back and if I was a part of Marc’s life, then I would have to go when he went home for holidays, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t be there. Not yet. Not missing Jackson as much as I did. A part of me wished that I had never left because it was all that I had left of Jackson, but I had to leave. When Marc had asked me to move home with him, I had my escape. I had my chance to walk away from the pain that Paul had brought onto me. “Why?”

  “I was just thinking. We are so far away from Mom and Rob and Will, Ben even. I am in a position that I can work from there and come here when I absolutely need to.”

  “You love it here.”

  “I do miss being there.” His eyes softened as they shifted to the lake. “I miss the freedom of the country. But Emmy, I want you to be happy. You being happy, seeing you actually smile again, hearing you laugh earlier, I want that from you. I want that all the time.”

  How could I not fall in love with that? How could I not fall for a man that was willing to uproot his whole life just to make me happy? But with Paul there, I just couldn’t. It hurt too much thinking about what he had said. How he regretted me coming into his life; that he didn’t care if I had died.

  “Just think about it. Really think about it. Your life was there. If that is what makes you smile, laugh again, live again, then I will not think twice about packing up.”

  “Would that be something that would make you happy?” Being fair to Marc was what I had to be. I knew that it was hard for him being away from his family. He told me in one of our heart to heart talks after Thanksgiving.

  “I enjoyed being home after you left the hospital. It was being closer to my dad in a way.”

  “I just don’t know if I can yet.”

  “And that is fine, Baby. Just fine. When and if you are ready, just say the word. I will be just fine anywhere you are as long as I have you in my life.” As he kissed me, I felt the love pouring from his mouth into mine. For once, I had my happiness and it was from one of the Hucks. Just not the one that I had so desperately wanted it to come from.

  Chapter 24

  ****Present****

  Paul

  Sitting on the edge of my bed, my back ached and my heart was shattered into a million pieces. Not having Emmy there was my worst fear coming alive. God, how I missed her. Every time that Ben was out standing by my place, it hit harder and harder. I had never imagined that I would actually see a horse cry, but that dam animal was. I knew that he was. For those years, Emmy had said that horse was really a part of her, that he had felt everything that she had gone through in her life. I knew what she was talking about now. I knew how he had felt. Just like me, not an ounce of life in him what so ever. Not only did I lose my dad, but Emmy also. What made it worse was the fact that Emmy was still alive, just never coming back.

  I still think about that night that I had pulled her out from under that rotten porch step damn near frozen to death. There hadn’t been a day that I had forgotten about it. Had I really regretted it? Hell no. Not for one second. Did I regret not just telling her that I loved her when I had the chance? Every
damn day. Every second since I had been able to hold her in my arms last.

  Picking up my cell, I rolled through the contacts and came to Emmy’s name. My heart sank harder into the empty pit of my stomach. My life was absolutely nothing without her. It was usually at night when I would get home and I would pick up the bottle of whisky to numb the pain of the day in order to get a few hours of sleep. I had to. It was the only way that I could even go on.

  Becky had been over quite a bit, but there wasn’t even anything there anymore. Usually, she would just sit and talk to me about Emmy, but it only sank in harder after she left for the evening. A few times, I had managed to call Becky just to hear her tell me that my Emmer would come back to me someday. I just needed to hang on. I had to hang on.

  Just like Ben, I had lost some weight with not being able to stomach food. Often, we would just go for walks while thinking of Emmy and what our lives had been like while she was there. A part of me knew that she would never come back. Not after the pain that I had caused her.

  When she had dropped my father’s necklace into my hands before she had walked out of my life, I died inside. I died and there was no way that I would ever be able to come back from that. Not unless she were the one to save me now.