Emmerson's Heart Read online

  “Um…” her knuckles had turned white from holding on so hard. Pastor Don had stepped up behind her, giving her a little more support. “I wanted….This…” Instantly, the pain had filled so deep in her puffy eyes that she had looked at Mom and let her sobs go. Not one person had said anything, but I swear more tears had flooded our packed church for the first time in history. It seemed like hours that had gone buy before that whiny, grief stricken voice had come back out. God, this was killing me right here. I hated to see her like that. I hated to see her cry to the point that she was strangling herself.

  “This week….I knew that this was coming…coming…” her hand clamped over her mouth as she rocked a little, still unsteady on her feet from the accident. “I loved him so much. He would sit with me on the nights of my birthday and after each holiday. We would have a great family time and then I would go into my room and cry.” Shrugging, she glanced at Marc. “Holidays were always physically painful for me, and my birthday, and he would sit and talk with me and tell me that it would never be like that again. He was so good to me. For once, I had a good family. A wonderful family.”

  Her eyes glistened with the fresh water that was about to come out when she had paused to look around the room. “Um…It was hard for me to trust a father figure, but he showed me that I had the best one around to show me what a family really was supposed to be like. And what did I do to repay him? I invited a horse to dinner.” Her eyes drifted down to her left hand, the one that she had seemed to hold close to her heart all the time, the one that she hadn’t let anyone touch. “I…I know that everyone here loved him and I just wanted to….

  I shifted a little in my chair feeling, the knives cutting deeper into my chest. My stomach clenched so hard that I had leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees. I wanted to just throw up. The sickening pain was swelling into her as she looked at mom with the deepest regret ever known to man. I wanted to just go up there and grab her tight and never let go.

  “Let you know that it’s all my fault.” Her chin quivered as she looked down, letting the shame and the pain fill through her. “It’s my fault and I want you all to know. I want to give this to you because of your love of him.”

  “Paul, what is she talking about?” My mom reached over, taking hold of my hand. “She doesn’t…”

  “I am so sorry that I took him from you all.” Her eyes had come back up with the water gushing out over her ashen face. “He had come to take me home for Christmas. I was the reason why he had come that night. I talked to him earlier and he found out that I wasn’t coming home. It’s my fault.” Her voice trailed off as she looked at Mom with the most apologetic look I had ever seen. Everything inside of me tightened and my stomach was punching its way up. How could she even think that it was her fault? He would have suggested to get her in a heartbeat, anyway, so she didn’t have to drive in the winter. We all knew her driving abilities weren’t the best when she had a permanent notch at eighty in her truck. “We were talking and…and he had reached over, taking my hand…and...he saw it. He saw it coming from behind when he had reached around and grabbed my arm to push me down. He never let go, Mama.” Her body shook as she cried. “He never let go. He didn’t and that was why he had died. He didn’t let go of me and I took him from you. I am so sorry. I am so sorry, Mama. He loved you so much and I took him from you.” Balling her fist tight to her chest, she had closed her eyes as tight as she could, not wanting to let go of him still. “He was the best dad that I could have ever known, that I could have ever had, and I…was the reason he died. I am so sorry. I am so sorry, Mama. He said that I would be the death of him someday and I was. I was the death of him. God, Mama, I am so sorry.” The cry poured out of her, shattering every centimeter of my heart. When her eyes opened, she looked at Will, then Rob, and Marc. “I am so sorry that I took him away.” When she had looked at me, my world crashed down. The pit of my stomach was erupting so much hurt and pain for her, I wanted to just get up and take hold of her. How could she sit there and think that this was her fault? It was an accident. “Paul, you gave me him and…You brought me to him…And I am so sorry to you, too. I will never forgive myself for taking him away from you.”

  I stood and straightened out my jeans, feeing Becky’s hand on my back.

  “I miss him so much. I keep hoping that I could wake up from this nightmare and see him there. I wish that I could wake up and have him scream at me because of Ben showing up in places that he shouldn’t have. But, I wanted you to know what he did for me. How he died. And I can’t tell you all how truly sorry I am for taking him from you. Mama…” Opening her hand, she looked down at it and cried a little more. “Mama, I am so sorry. There isn’t a day that goes by that don’t I wish it was me. I wish that it was me. He loved you so much and I took that away from you. I am so sorry. It should have been me.”

  Nodding, she had started to the seats, but instead, she headed for the aisle. Mr. Andrews caught her in his arms, holding her tight to him and letting her cry. Walking over, I cupped her elbow and took her away from him. Picking her up, I walked her out of the church and outside. Taking a seat on the cement bench, I just buried my face deep into her shoulder and cried with her. There she was taking the full blame for my dad’s death and it wasn’t her fault at all. Not one of us blamed her for what happened. He had done what he did in that truck to protect her, to fulfill his promise to her.

  Chapter 18

  ****Present****

  I stood looking out the window at the yard that was turning green with life. It was quiet with Emmy tucked out by Ben and the others hadn’t come home or complained that she wasn’t at the lunch. Taking her home was the best thing for her. And I had to. Not Marc, who wanted to. It should have been me. No matter what anyone thought, she needed me and I needed her. After her little outburst of guilt at the church, I knew I needed to be the one who picked her up and brought her home. For how horrible I had been to her over the past few months, she needed me to be the one who brought her home and hold her for a change.

  “Paul?” Becky’s sweet voice filled the room as she rubbed her hand down my back. Since the night of the accident, she had been there for me through my temper tantrums, my sulking, drinking, and my angry days. It hadn’t been easy with me either. I know that and so did she. And since Emmy had come home, I hadn’t touched Becky at all. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t even sleep by her knowing that Emmy was in all that pain and hurt so deep that nothing could ever fix it. I just was surprised that Becky lasted this long with me. Hell, I was surprised she had wanted anything to do with me since Emmy had come to live with us. “She will be fine. She’s a fighter. She will get through this.”

  “No; no she won’t. She didn’t have to get up there and tell everyone that she had killed him. She didn’t cause the accident.” Seeing her up there with all the tears and the pain that was enough to fill the church ten times hurt me so much. More than even losing my dad. With her being the one in that accident with my dad, I knew that would damn near kill her for as much as she loved him.

  Overhearing her talking to Marc, I knew what she was talking about. I knew what she was saying when she said she didn’t want to be there. I could tell in a heartbeat with her, but then again, I knew her. Marc, he had no clue. He couldn’t see what she was really saying.

  “No, but she loved you all so much that she did it to let everyone know what happened. She loves you, Paul. She loves you so much and when she looked at you, I saw it.” Reaching up on her toes, she kissed my cheek. “You love her, don’t you?”

  “Of course I do. She’s Emmer.” In a sense that was so far more than anyone ever knew. Well, someone had known and made damn sure that nothing ever happened with it.

  “I mean in love, Paul. You are in love with her.”

  Clearing my throat, I looked out at the vast emptiness that my dad loved so much knowing he would never walk that earth again. If the roles had been reversed and Emmy was the one that had met her fate in the accident, I w
ouldn’t have any doubt he would have gone crazy. He was like that with her. I don’t know why he really was, but he was exactly what she needed in her life. It angered me that I wasn’t that person. I wasn’t that one that she needed so badly. I loved her so much. I would have done anything for her. I would have walked through fire for only her. But, no. It had to be my dad that was the one person that she had really needed in her life.

  “It’s okay, Paul. I know that you do just by the way you looked at her when she was here.” Her voice softened as she pulled away from me to wrap herself in her own arms. “Don’t be afraid and don’t pull away from her. Not anymore. You need to talk to her and let her know.”

  “I should have never started looking at her as someone more than a sister.” Biting my lip, I shoved my hands deep into my pockets to feel that photo of me and her in there. That damn photo that I had been carrying around with me since she had come home. I had to. It was all I really had left of her.

  “I know that you love me, but your heart belongs to her. It always has. Don’t hide it any more, Paul. Go to her and tell her. Tell yourself.” Wrapping her arms around me, she hugged me tightly one last time. “I will always love you, Paul. Always.”

  “I do love you, Becky.”

  “Yeah, I know. But it’s her that has that wonderful heart of yours and she is going to need it now more than ever.” Letting a few tears slip out, she sighed a little. “I think that I am going to go back to the lunch for a bit and see if Connie needs any more help.”

  “I was going to propose to you at Christmas and marry you, Becky. That’s why she didn’t want to come home.”

  “I know that, too. I saw the ring in your drawer.” Her teary eyes softened as she smiled a little. “It wasn’t for me, Paul. When you bought it, it was for her. She was on your mind when you did. It fits her perfectly. She is the one that needs to be wearing it. Not me.”

  “You are amazing, Becky.” Hugging her one last time, I pressed my lips to her forehead as I took in the scent of the fresh berries. “Don’t ever be afraid to come out and see us.”

  “I won’t. I think that Emmy and I would be friends. I hope, anyway. She’s a good girl.” The tears trickled down her face a little more. “Paul, when we had made love all those times, you weren’t thinking of me, were you?”

  My heart pained hard in my chest, dropping to my stomach. No, I hadn’t. It was the only way that I could make love to Becky. The only way was to shut my eyes and start imagining Emmy there. When I didn’t answer, she had known the truth.

  “Go. Don’t think about it. Don’t ponder about it. And don’t talk yourself out of it. You love her, Paul. Go and get her. Marry her and hold her hand through this.” Pulling away from me, Becky grabbed her small black purse off the kitchen counter and walked out without another word.

  I had stayed at the house for a little longer until I had gone down to my place, letting the staleness slap me hard. It had been a long time since I had been there and it was due for a good cleaning. Heading into my bedroom, I sat on the edge of my bed while running my hands through my hair. Seeing Emmy up there in front of everyone, letting all that hurt out, all that guilt out, nothing had ever cut me deeper. Becky was right. I did love her.

  Opening up the small drawer of the nightstand, I pulled out the little maroon velvet box and just looked at it. The day that I had picked it out, I had seen whose hand this would only belong to. It wasn’t Becky’s. Not Becky’s at all. I had just told myself that it would be fine there. And every time that I would look at it on her finger, I would always wish that it had been on Emmy’s.

  The very day that I had been in the city and I had stopped at the jewelry store, the constant pit in my stomach had brought me to an all-time low. Picking out a ring should be a good thing, but for me, it was torture. I loved Becky and it was the only way to make sure that I kept Emmy at a safe enough distance away from me. When I had gotten in there, I had looked and looked; having only one catch my eye, the perfect one. As I had stood there with my eyes closed, I had that feeling, that feeling of completeness rushing through me while envisioning the hand that I would slide it on, that slender finger. Nope, it wasn’t Becky’s hand either. That was how I picked out the ring in the first place. That was exactly why I had bought the damn thing.

  Tucking the box deep into my pocket, I felt the lump fill in my throat. Heading down to the barn, I had replayed everything in my mind. Would Emmy even love me? Maybe she didn’t even look at me like that, like I had her all the time. That kiss that I had given to her the weekend before Thanksgiving, nothing ever hit me more than that. Nothing had just been so right and so wonderful as it was that second that my lips were on hers, but that look afterward… That look of shock, maybe fear.

  Just like the faithful dog-horse that he was, Ben was right there greeting me as I had come over to the girl crying in the straw. Taking a seat by the bales, I pulled her to me and cuddled her in my arms.

  “Paul, I am so sorry.” Tucking her head under my chin, I swallowed hard as I felt the pain coming from her. “I loved him so much. I really did.”

  “I know that you did, Emmy.”

  “Right before the truck had hit us, we were talking about you. He was trying to bring me home and he was sorry that he sheltered me. I think that he knew I didn’t want to come home because I was so hurt over what you said.”

  “I never meant a word of it, Emmy. I never did.”

  “He was trying to tell me to talk to you. I was scared to. I was scared to find that you were going to marry someone else. I don’t hate her, Paul, I don’t. I was just losing my best friend.”

  “Well, it’s not going to happen, Emmy. Get that out of your head.” Feeling the box pressing in against my thigh, I just wanted to take it out and slide it on her finger, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I didn’t deserve her. Not after the pain that I had put her through at Thanksgiving. I would never be good enough for her. No one would be.

  “God, Paul. It hurts so bad.” The wail of cries came out of her as she buried herself deep into my shoulder. Tears had come to my own eyes knowing just how she had felt. “I miss him so much. I miss him. I can’t….I can’t….God. Why? I need him, Paul. I need him so much.”

  What could I say? It was an accident. He had given his life to save her. Not one person knew that snowstorm was going to hit like that. No one did. If he had heard anything about it, he would have left sooner. What happened was no one’s fault but my own. He had told me to distance myself from her and I did. I did so much that I pushed her away from the family.

  “I just want to go back. I want to go back. Please.” My heart was shredding even more as those words rushed from her. Hell, she didn’t want to even be by me. I knew my words had hurt her in the worst way imaginable, but there was no way that I could take them back. No way. If she had only known what I had said the night Rob had called with the news, she would leave and never look back. I didn’t mean a damn word of them either. Rob said he hoped I choked on my words, and I was.

  Chapter 19

  ****Present****

  Emmerson

  All damn day, people were in and out of the house. I had seen ones that I don’t even remember, ones that said how it was so great to see me again, but I must have known them. Sitting there, I hated the way that they had looked at me. I couldn’t bear to look at myself, so how could they? When that whole football team had come in all together, I just wanted to hide. I didn’t want them to see me looking like this. Not after what Paul had said. I was ugly. I was horrible looking and I hated it. I hated every time that I had looked in the mirror.

  I had to just push it away. I had to keep it out of my mind for now. Later, I could hate myself. Later, I could cry out the pain when no one was there. Rob was sitting tucked to my right as the rest of the team that he had played with filled the living room. Greg, though—Greg had sat to my right with his arm around me. A great guy who could get someone that wasn’t embarrassing to take out on a date. I knew what th
ey were doing. I had tutored them and got them through their senior year and they had all still appreciated it.

  “Would anyone like something to drink?” Connie called out from the kitchen with that smile on her face. I knew that she had called them. I knew that she wanted them to come and see me.

  “We are great, Mrs. Huck.” Greg cleared his throat and smiled. “I have to say that I missed the hell out of you.”

  “He’s not lying, either.” Jeff chuckled as he rested his elbows on his knees while sitting on the fireplace ledge. “This fool has passed up so many girls at school, it’s not even funny.”

  Looking over at Greg, my heart thumped hard. He had been the one that had taken me on my first date while the parents were on their cruise. Somehow, Jackson had found out about it and threatened to shoot him if he had touched me. Talk about a fight. We had argued for what felt like hours over that one.

  “Why would you do that?”

  “I told you that I would be waiting for you. I still am, Babe.” He kissed my cheek and grinned.

  “Don’t even think that he’s not, Emmy.” Jeff yawned and stretched out his arms. “We all want you, so you have your pick of the litter.”

  “I’m nothing, you guys. I am just a girl that helped you all out.” The tears had stung my eyes. I didn’t want anyone. I didn’t have any feelings except friendship with these guys. The one guy that I had loved so much had barely looked at me since I had been home. And the more that his girlfriend was around, the more that I had seen that she was perfect for him. I needed to just let go of him. I had to. He deserved her. Not to count, she loved him so much.

  “You’re more than that, Emmy!” Becker Freemont belted out as he cupped my knee. “We all love you.”

  “I appreciate it. I do.” Biting my lip, I felt the pain strumming through me again. These guys were all great guys and girls would be lucky to have any one of them, Greg especially. Resting my head on his shoulder, I tucked my left hand under the blankets making sure that no one had touched it. Jackson still had my hand. It was his and I didn’t want anyone else to touch it yet. I missed him. I missed him so much. Why did he have to leave me? Why did he leave me?